The author of the Arsenally Yours blog has woken from a coma, writes Andy Hack of News of the World Blogs. Rumour has it that as last season drew to its painful and boring conclusion, he slipped into unconsciousness. His agent/wife said that he briefly woke up for the internationals, but when the transfer rumour mill began to grind out its predictable, unresearched and completely baseless assumptions, he fell asleep and simply would not wake up.
“I thought the signing of Carl Jenkinson from Charlton would have woken him up a bit, we used to live there, and he saw Jenkinson last season at the Valley and was quite impressed at the time, but no. I’m sure I heard a groan, as if he was happy with the signing but thought that a better, older, and more experienced defender should have been added to the squad as soon as possible, as opposed to just another promising youngster,” said Mrs Arsenally, the blogger’s agent and wife.
“As for all that rubbish about Cesc and Nasri, well, I tried reading some of the stories to him, but the doctors had to get me to stop. It was as if his brain was quite literally strangling itself, as they explained it to me. You would have thought he’d have got up off his arse to rant about both those two, but as the doctors said, any more ‘news’ about Cesc going to Barça or Nasri being unhappy would be a serious risk to his mental stability, even in the depths of unconsciousness.
“Then we signed Gervinho, and I thought, hello, here’s some good news for him, he’ll surely rise up out this slumber if I read him that. It did the trick for a minute, he sat bolt upright, and pumped the air, but then he asked me the question I’d been dreading – ‘Have we signed a f**king centre half yet?’ I promised him we would sign one, to try to restore him to full psychological fitness, but he saw the doubt in my eyes and sank straight back down, into a deeper coma than before. His disturbed and fragile psyche just couldn’t handle the fact that our defence will be as leaky as my spaghetti colander.
“When we finally got Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain’s name on the books I toyed with the idea of whispering that bit of news in his ear. But the doctors warned me that any mention of ‘youth’ or ‘young team’ could be fatal. so I still haven’t told him yet. I reckon Alex OC’s got a brighter future than Theo, the obvious point of comparison, and the reports from the training ground seem to suggest that he’s impressed already.
“But then a miracle. The doctors had warned me that the coma could well carry on until we signed a decent, strong, ball-playing, and experienced centre-half, but then he just woke up last week. ‘The excitement of the new season’, one of the nurses said. Just bl**dy typical, I say.
“It was like this a few seasons back with Vieira. And both times it coincides with a visit from my mum and a pressing need for some DIY. Highly convenient.”
I don’t know what medical facts surround this strange case, but in all my years tapping Pippa Middleton’s phone for the News of the World, I never came across an instance of a coma being so welcome. When he came round, all he said was “Thank buggery I didn’t have to sit through all that! Now let’s get on with some football.”