Blogger wakes from off-season coma; Doctor – “Miracle”, Wife – “Bl**dy Typical”

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Aug 132011
 

The author of the Arsenally Yours blog has woken from a coma, writes Andy Hack of News of the World Blogs. Rumour has it that as last season drew to its painful and boring conclusion, he slipped into unconsciousness. His agent/wife said that he briefly woke up for the internationals, but when the transfer rumour mill began to grind out its predictable, unresearched and completely baseless assumptions, he fell asleep and simply would not wake up.

“I thought the signing of Carl Jenkinson from Charlton would have woken him up a bit, we used to live there, and he saw Jenkinson last season at the Valley and was quite impressed at the time, but no. I’m sure I heard a groan, as if he was happy with the signing but thought that a better, older, and more experienced defender should have been added to the squad as soon as possible, as opposed to just another promising youngster,” said Mrs Arsenally, the blogger’s agent and wife.

“As for all that rubbish about Cesc and Nasri, well, I tried reading some of the stories to him, but the doctors had to get me to stop. It was as if his brain was quite literally strangling itself, as they explained it to me. You would have thought he’d have got up off his arse to rant about both those two, but as the doctors said, any more ‘news’ about Cesc going to Barça or Nasri being unhappy would be a serious risk to his mental stability, even in the depths of unconsciousness.

“Then we signed Gervinho, and I thought, hello, here’s some good news for him, he’ll surely rise up out this slumber if I read him that. It did the trick for a minute, he sat bolt upright, and pumped the air, but then he asked me the question I’d been dreading – ‘Have we signed a f**king centre half yet?’ I promised him we would sign one, to try to restore him to full psychological fitness, but he saw the doubt in my eyes and sank straight back down, into a deeper coma than before. His disturbed and fragile psyche just couldn’t handle the fact that our defence will be as leaky as my spaghetti colander.

“When we finally got Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain’s name on the books I toyed with the idea of whispering that bit of news in his ear. But the doctors warned me that any mention of ‘youth’ or ‘young team’ could be fatal. so I still haven’t told him yet. I reckon Alex OC’s got a brighter future than Theo, the obvious point of comparison, and the reports from the training ground seem to suggest that he’s impressed already.

“But then a miracle. The doctors had warned me that the coma could well carry on until we signed a decent, strong, ball-playing, and experienced centre-half, but then he just woke up last week. ‘The excitement of the new season’, one of the nurses said. Just bl**dy typical, I say.

“It was like this a few seasons back with Vieira. And both times it coincides with a visit from my mum and a pressing need for some DIY. Highly convenient.”

I don’t know what medical facts surround this strange case, but in all my years tapping Pippa Middleton’s phone for the News of the World, I never came across an instance of a coma being so welcome. When he came round, all he said was “Thank buggery I didn’t have to sit through all that! Now let’s get on with some football.”

 Posted by at 1:01 am

Some Interesting Stats about Koscielny

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Apr 282011
 

Some stats, based on all games this season:

Arsenal have won every single game in which Koscielny has not played. When he has played, we’ve won only 41% of games. Compare this to Fabregas – when he’s played we’ve won 61% of games.

When Fabianski has played, we’ve lost 28% of our games. when Szczesny has played, we’ve lost just 18%. The only player with a worse percentage of games lost when played is Diaby, at 19%.

The player with the highest percentage of games won when they’ve played is… Eboue (!?!) with a massive 75%. We’ve won only 45% of our games this season when Sagna has started.  Furthermore, we’ve won 80% of the games in which Sagna didn’t feature [but I don’t think he would have given THAT penalty away… ]

Our average points per game is 1.82 this season. With Djourou playing, we’ve got an average of 2.31 points per game; Squillaci playing – 1.79 points per game; Koscielny playing – just 1.59 points per game.

With Djourou NOT playing, we’ve come away with 1.59 points on average; with Squillaci out, 2.00 average points per game; and Koscielny out, 3.00 average points per game.

Looking at the average number of goals per game for and against does not make for better reading for Koscielny – quite the opposite, it’s even worse. Taking the team as a whole, we’ve scored on average 1.82 goals and conceded 1.04 in each game this season. With the Frolish centre-half, we’ve scored marginally fewer at an average of 1.81, but conceded more with an average of 1.22. That might not sound like a lot, but we’re conceding 18% more goals with him on the pitch. It’s without him that the real difference is shown: we’ve scored a whopping 2.57 and conceded just 0.43. That’s a massive difference. It’s almost like the stats breathe a sigh of relief when he’s off the pitch.

That’s what you might call damning.

Bolton 2 Arsenal 1 Review and some soul-searching

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Apr 252011
 

It’s hard to know exactly where to begin; how to summarise a game that cruelly ended our title hopes. From 4 possible trophies a month or so ago to zero is a massive disappointment.

And it’s not the first time. For the third season in a row we have been fighting on all possible fronts, in with a shout of all possible trophies, only to slip away at the end of the season. AW mentions mental strength and mental fragility more than any other manager I know of; why is it then that we seem to lack the fight, the resilience, the edge – the mental strength, if you will, Arsene – to see the season through to the end?

I can’t be bothered, frankly, to go through all the games we’ve come close to winning but failed. Some just stick in the memory. That ridiculous game at St James’s Park, the recent game against Spurs. We just cannot seem to get through the last few minutes of a game without conceding a goal. And just taking the Bolton game as an example, can a side that concedes two goals from two corners compete for the title?

I’m a big AW fan (as you may be aware!) but reading this on the official site really p*ssed me off:

The facts are the facts. I feel the players [have] had an outstanding attitude [during] the whole season and they are not to blame. If there is someone to blame, it is me. I pick the team and I choose the players. For me, the players [have] had an outstanding attitude all season.
Yes, it is very unsatisfactory because that is one of the easiest run-ins we have had for a long time. We didn’t take our chances many times during the season and that is frustrating because you feel that the potential is there. But we live in a job where you have to take your chances and be realistic. We still lack something that is called maturity, experience or calmness in important situations.

Firstly, I’m not so sure that the attitude has been right. Attitude and the inability to keep a clean sheet for the last ten minutes are closely linked. The right attitude should mean that we do not, ever, concede such goals. And all too often some players – Arshavin, Bendtner, Clichy, I’m looking at you – have been respectively completely anonymous, unbelievably useless, and on a different planet.

Secondly, in terms of “something that is called maturity, experience or calmness in important situations”, that just can’t be used as an excuse any more. Let’s not forget it was Eboue who gave away the penalty to Sp*rs. An experienced international, not someone who can be marked down as young and inexperienced. The rest of the Arsenal ‘youngsters’ – Jack Wilshere excluded – all have years of Premiership experience and international tournaments behind them. It’s about time that youth stopped being an excuse. It never was a good excuse anyway, and for one thing, they’re just not that young any more.

So what is the future for this Arsenal team. I’m not going to join the ranks of those who campaign for an end to AW’s tenure, but I am going to suggest that this team requires some major surgery to turn it from a group of promising also-rans to a team of winners.

The problem is, will AW and our new owner countenance such changes? Do we need to change the philosophy of the club and buy experienced players? Do we need to change the way we play? These are difficult questions, and the answers requires more thought than a simple knee-jerk reaction to an awful performance, even it is a performance that relegates us to third, and puts an end to any hopes of silverware this season.

In my opinion, it’s certainly a good thing to be able to laugh at oneself, and a necessary ability in any gooner. Have a look at this from the Daily Mash.

Arsenally and unhappily yours,

Will