Blogger wakes from off-season coma; Doctor – “Miracle”, Wife – “Bl**dy Typical”

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Aug 132011
 

The author of the Arsenally Yours blog has woken from a coma, writes Andy Hack of News of the World Blogs. Rumour has it that as last season drew to its painful and boring conclusion, he slipped into unconsciousness. His agent/wife said that he briefly woke up for the internationals, but when the transfer rumour mill began to grind out its predictable, unresearched and completely baseless assumptions, he fell asleep and simply would not wake up.

“I thought the signing of Carl Jenkinson from Charlton would have woken him up a bit, we used to live there, and he saw Jenkinson last season at the Valley and was quite impressed at the time, but no. I’m sure I heard a groan, as if he was happy with the signing but thought that a better, older, and more experienced defender should have been added to the squad as soon as possible, as opposed to just another promising youngster,” said Mrs Arsenally, the blogger’s agent and wife.

“As for all that rubbish about Cesc and Nasri, well, I tried reading some of the stories to him, but the doctors had to get me to stop. It was as if his brain was quite literally strangling itself, as they explained it to me. You would have thought he’d have got up off his arse to rant about both those two, but as the doctors said, any more ‘news’ about Cesc going to Barça or Nasri being unhappy would be a serious risk to his mental stability, even in the depths of unconsciousness.

“Then we signed Gervinho, and I thought, hello, here’s some good news for him, he’ll surely rise up out this slumber if I read him that. It did the trick for a minute, he sat bolt upright, and pumped the air, but then he asked me the question I’d been dreading – ‘Have we signed a f**king centre half yet?’ I promised him we would sign one, to try to restore him to full psychological fitness, but he saw the doubt in my eyes and sank straight back down, into a deeper coma than before. His disturbed and fragile psyche just couldn’t handle the fact that our defence will be as leaky as my spaghetti colander.

“When we finally got Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain’s name on the books I toyed with the idea of whispering that bit of news in his ear. But the doctors warned me that any mention of ‘youth’ or ‘young team’ could be fatal. so I still haven’t told him yet. I reckon Alex OC’s got a brighter future than Theo, the obvious point of comparison, and the reports from the training ground seem to suggest that he’s impressed already.

“But then a miracle. The doctors had warned me that the coma could well carry on until we signed a decent, strong, ball-playing, and experienced centre-half, but then he just woke up last week. ‘The excitement of the new season’, one of the nurses said. Just bl**dy typical, I say.

“It was like this a few seasons back with Vieira. And both times it coincides with a visit from my mum and a pressing need for some DIY. Highly convenient.”

I don’t know what medical facts surround this strange case, but in all my years tapping Pippa Middleton’s phone for the News of the World, I never came across an instance of a coma being so welcome. When he came round, all he said was “Thank buggery I didn’t have to sit through all that! Now let’s get on with some football.”

 Posted by at 1:01 am

Arsenal 1 Villa 2 Review

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May 162011
 

I’ve just watched the Villa highlights again, and it’s hard to know exactly where to start. Vermaelen’s studs. That’s a place to start. Our players and staff are paid a fortune to be the best, and when you’re a player coming back from a long term injury, you shouldn’t be slipping and sliding around, risking another year out with a nasty injury. Unbelievable. Apart from that, it was fantastic to see him back after such a long time, and it was interesting to see that he set his partner in defence in deep contrast.

Speaking of which. Squillaci. I’ve rarely seen a worse performance. He looked like a fish out of water on a bicycle. For the Sun, that bastion of reliable comment, to give him 0/10 really is quite an indictment on what was a very poor performance. I expect to put in a much better shift  next time around, should he feature against Fulham.

Actually, I have seen a worse performance than Squillaci vs Villa. Firstly the entire Arsenal team (except v Persie) against Stoke. And secondly, Mike Oliver, the FA’s new ref, who managed to miss Ramsey’s blatant, obvious penalty from about one-and-a-half yards away, and contrived to give penalise Chamakh for scoring a goal. Unbelievable. If that’s the FA showing us a young ref with a promising future, gawd help us all.

It’s all quite preposterous and one thing is clear to me. Major surgery is needed on the rotten, gangrenous, pustule-filled wound that is the current Arsenal squad. There will be no Fabregas next year. We must replace him with a proper centre half, and a decent striker.

It’s far, far too early to be talking names, but watching the ‘Ammers go down, one can’t help but think that we could do with a certain Matthew Upson, once the promised Tony Adams reborn of Arsenal of yore. I wouldn’t mind Scott Parker either. Demba Ba would be better than Bendtmakh, or whatever useless combination of frontmen those two have transformed into.

As you can tell, dear readers, I’ve had a weeny little bit too much to drink, and proper comment should not be made at such emotional moments. Suffice it to say that I will always love the Arsenal, even if we finish fourth. Against Fulham it’s time for those who wish to have an Arsenal future show that they can play not just for medals, not just for fame, not just for money, but for pride and love of club as well.

Yours emotionarsenally,
Will

Some Interesting Stats about Koscielny

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Apr 282011
 

Some stats, based on all games this season:

Arsenal have won every single game in which Koscielny has not played. When he has played, we’ve won only 41% of games. Compare this to Fabregas – when he’s played we’ve won 61% of games.

When Fabianski has played, we’ve lost 28% of our games. when Szczesny has played, we’ve lost just 18%. The only player with a worse percentage of games lost when played is Diaby, at 19%.

The player with the highest percentage of games won when they’ve played is… Eboue (!?!) with a massive 75%. We’ve won only 45% of our games this season when Sagna has started.  Furthermore, we’ve won 80% of the games in which Sagna didn’t feature [but I don’t think he would have given THAT penalty away… ]

Our average points per game is 1.82 this season. With Djourou playing, we’ve got an average of 2.31 points per game; Squillaci playing – 1.79 points per game; Koscielny playing – just 1.59 points per game.

With Djourou NOT playing, we’ve come away with 1.59 points on average; with Squillaci out, 2.00 average points per game; and Koscielny out, 3.00 average points per game.

Looking at the average number of goals per game for and against does not make for better reading for Koscielny – quite the opposite, it’s even worse. Taking the team as a whole, we’ve scored on average 1.82 goals and conceded 1.04 in each game this season. With the Frolish centre-half, we’ve scored marginally fewer at an average of 1.81, but conceded more with an average of 1.22. That might not sound like a lot, but we’re conceding 18% more goals with him on the pitch. It’s without him that the real difference is shown: we’ve scored a whopping 2.57 and conceded just 0.43. That’s a massive difference. It’s almost like the stats breathe a sigh of relief when he’s off the pitch.

That’s what you might call damning.